THINGS YOUR FAVORITE SW CHARACTERS DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THEM: Anakin Skywalker - really went over to the dark side because Obi Wan dirtied his blankie Padme Amidala - runs a Brothel for the Senators on Coruscant - won the Naboo National Belching contest 3 years in a row - never loved Anakin. Just used him to get near Obi Wan Obi-Wan Kenobi - is a flaming alcholic, and has to live in a cave in the desert because he sold his house for liqour - lost Anakin to the darkside and made a clone hoping no one would notice - "You still have much to learn, Darth. *Dramatic Poke ball pose* Pikachu, I choose you!" Mace Windu - is very bitter over his twin brother's successful film career Darth Vader - not only is he Luke's dad, but also his grandfather, uncle, and cousin Luke Skywalker - REALLY went to Tosche station to pick up Wookiee prostitutes - afraid of water after "dianoga incident" - couldn't make the shot at Yavin, Keyan Farlander had to - calls himself "The Jade's Hand" Leia Organa Solo - really is a commitee - wears her gold bikini under all those robes for all of her senate appearences - used to have an overeating problem, adoptive parents kept her away from the sticky buns by convincing her they were meant to be worn in her hair Han Solo - secret passion is watching old holodramas on the 'net - on vacation he's known as the famous archeologist Indiana Jones - still has a woman in every spaceport - he didn't shoot first Chewbacca - 24 illegitimate children by 7 different mothers... all from the same Ewok tribe on Endor - his clothes were stolen just before ANH, thats why he's naked in all three films R2-D2 - Is God. He’s just a little shy. - has not only saved the galaxy innumerable times, but has recorded his exploits under the pen names of T. Zahn, M Stackpole, and A Allston C3PO - is really only fluent in 5,999,999 forms of communication Lando Calrissian - snubbed by six-breasted dancer when he made a pass at her. - even after seven years of marriage and three decades of womanizing, is still a virgin - gave the Millenium Falcon to Han as a bribe to never speak of that time with the guy at the place with the thing - really married Tendra for her money--no, wait, everyone knows that Lobot - used to have an afro until Lando made him shave because he was scaring small children Wedge Antilles - screams "Bonzai! Who's your daddy! Who's your daddy!" every time he makes an attack run - does more than sleep in his X-wing cockpit during those long hyperspace transits - gets Iella to dye herself blue and wear a feathery wig Emperor Palpatine - is quite fond of the color pink - was given the name Darth Snuggles by a Sith holocron, had the holocron destroyed and changed it to Darth Sidious. Kyle Katarn - did the nasty with Mara during the 'Mysteries of the Sith' and can't look Luke in the eye anymore. Jacen Solo - has magazines that Han and Leia wouldn't exactly approve of hidden under his mattress - is having a secret love affair with Kyp Durron - knew that Tenel Ka's lightsaber was faulty, fought her anyway - was suspended from the Academy for trying to sneak into girls' locker room while Tenel Ka and others were showering - had "fun" with every female vong where he was being held a hostage, until Vergere busted in on one session - A closet "X-Phile" - and fantasizing that Tenel Ka is Scully, he plans to wait eight years between kisses - following in the tradition of Qui "Gon smoking" Jinn and Obi "Wanna another drink" Kenobi is now a death stick junkie Jaina Solo - sometimes "borrows" her mother's gold bikini when she goes out to pool parties - still sleeps with her blanky - goes out with a new guy every week, Zekk, Jag, and Kyp are NOT on the list - makes a point of sleeping with the commander of every squadron base and ship she is posted to - secretly building a time machine so she can go back because she really wants Obi-wan - wouldn't mind going over to the darkside if it meant she got to beat the crap out of Jacen just once - hates Jag, hates Kyp, hates Zekk, loves Tenel Ka - her astromech Cappie is the real ace, she mostly just sits and sings along to latest female pop singers in the middle of combat. Anakin Solo - still sleeps with a stuffed Bantha - uses the Force for more then just a tool... (this can be interpreted any way you like) - (and Tahiri) It was two hours later when Corran found them and he SHOULDN'T have left them unchapperoned. Tenel Ka - has secretly been seeing Anakin behind Jacen's back - real wanted to be the Queen, so she started to plot the death of her parents and grandmother. Unfortunatly, her plan back fired. - (and Jacen) did something aside from talk on the world ship... Tahiri Veila - has secretly been seeing Jacen behind Anakins back Zekk - just liked the twins for their money Jagged Fel - has dreams about marrying Tenel Ka - Cried at "Titanic" - all nine times! - still trying to figure out which bone Jaina was threatening to break - Is really after Jacen, he hangs out with Jaina 'cause she's the next best thing Kyp Durron - keeps a running tally of his Dozen members that have gone down on his bedroom wall. "Hmmmm, lets see, what's that now? Number 66?" - is obsessed with watching The Little Lost Bantha Cub video - continually disses Luke because he stole his Toy Bantha for himself. That's what the real cause for the whole Caridan thing - likes to be dominated in a relationship - doesn't want to be romantically involved with Jania because he prefers Zekk Shira Brie - suffering from amnesia. Is now calling herself Mara Jade, and has married Luke Skywalker. Darth Maul - loves karoke - busts full beer cans on his horns to impress the girls - rejected from the 3 blue men IBM commercials because he had the wrong skin color Tsavong Lah - owns a furbie - really wanted to spare everyone in the GFFA connected with creating Pringles, the Stackable Potato Chip Corran Horn - has a beer fridge in Whistler - acts omnipotent, arrogant, and all-knowing to hid his homosexual tendencies toward Luke - has wild, passionate fantasies about Kyp all the time - sucks his thumb when Stackpole isn't looking - Was wrong. Once. Booster Terrik - under a pseudonym, author of "The Little Lost Bantha Cub" Overlord Shimrra - watches Martha Stewart religiously Shmi Skywalker - really Won Anakin in a card game, lied and said she gave birth to him Qui Xux - the real reason she left Wedge was because she was worried he would discover her affair with Kyp Durron Wes Janson - just wants to be taken seriously --- AND THESE MADE ME CRY: Jaina: Has been caught (more than once) on the "Girls Gone Wild" tapes. Jag: has every one of Jaina's Girls Gone Wild tapes..... Kyp: Also has all of Jaina's "Girls Gone Wild" tapes. Han: Made the "Girls gone Wild" tapes - Jag: Is still a Virgin. Jaina: won't sleep with Jag because of Jacan. Jacen: Couldn't care less. - THIS ONE IS ROFLMAO: Tenel Ka: secretly has a crush on Anakin Jaina: secretly has a crush on Jacen Kyp: secretly has a crush on Jacen Jag: secretly has a crush on Jacen Zekk: secretly has a crush on Jacen Jacen: really a girl - HOLY SHIT HAHAHAHA: Kyp : Hates Luke because he steals all his girls. First Callista, then Mara... Luke : Is aiming to steal Jaina Jag : Lost his hmm-hmm's while playing with his blaster Jacen : Was actually the one who killed Anakin in order to get Tahiri Tahiri : Aided Jacen Anakin : Didn't die, as he had a clone set aside. Is now plotting Jacen's death - Jacen: Vergere didn't just put him through the Embrace of Pain to teach him about the True Gods and the True Way... Vergere: Likes S&M - Zonama Sekot: Left Daddy Yuuzhan'tar because Daddy wouldn't let Sekot date the Star Forge. The Star Forge: Has naked pictures of the Death Star posted on its bridge. - Han: secretly nudging his son Jacen into trying to marry Tenel Ka cause, "she's rich" Lando: secretly trying TO marry Tenel Ka cause she's rich.